Characters
This page contains the descriptions of various characters from the game's retail manual. The manual is written from "a Kewlett's eye", which is why most of them are derogatory to Raze's people. To read proper documentation on the characters, simply click on their name listed below their image in blue. Characters listed here who were not included in the manual have been given a fitting description. ''The Resistance - Enemies of the 'Peace Loving' Kewletts: * 'Raze: Raze is the living breathing embodiment of all that is un-cute. He is a disgusting and loathsome creature who is hell-bent on destroying our peaceful and loving Kewlett nation. Raze simply can't tolerate how wonderful we are making the planet. He hates the joy and sunshine we bring. He hates the song we sing. And he'll resort to any kind of underhanded tactics to try to get rid of us. Get this. Raze sucks things up from the environment and shoots them at us. (Picture an anteater on 'roids!) What kind of sad move is that? These pathetic parlor tricks, along with his lame melee attacks, are way too feeble to bring a group of our brave soldiers down. He may be the best fighter his race has, but to us he is nothing more than a joke. A big, butt-ugly joke. We will soon be delivering his head on a platter to our beloved Princess. * '''The Villagers (a.k.a. the Locals): This is the wretched race of creatures that Raze belongs to. Dim-witted, cowardly and dwindling rapidly in numbers, they have no chance whatsoever of thwarting our darling Princess' plan to beautify and civilize the hinterland. * Shnow: A big filthy grazing animal used by the Monsters as livestock. * Kraag: The so-called leader of the Monster Resistance, a group of indigenous creatures who mistakenly think their guerrilla tactics will weaken our resolve. Raze, Kraag and their axis of ugliness are systematically getting their butts kicked by our superior warfare strategies. * Big Momma: Big Momma is indeed one big momma! She's some kind of hideous flying creature that drops explosive eggs on us occasionally when we are pulverizing the Monster Resistance. We don't exactly know where Big Momma comes from. There are rumors that she is conjured up by their Shaman. Whatever. Her support is over-rated; she's not about to put a worry wrinkle on our happy faces. * Slivh: Because Raze is a mindless thug, he needs someone to guide him on his way. Enter - Slivh. What kind of creature he is remains a mystery; as does his motive. One thing's for sure though. He's an odious little mutha. * Nyluus: Another one of Raze's butt-buddies. And even uglier than Slivh - if that's possible. Where does he find these guys? We think he's some kind of advisor or something. We don't really care. He'll be dead soon enough. * The Shaman: The Shaman is supposedly some kind of local medicine man with strange powers. It didn't stop us from capturing him though did it? Maybe his girly "powers" need to be overhauled? Shame on the Shaman! * Zorlach: Some creature that rushes to Raze's side when he's weak. Where he dug this fossilized relic up from we have no idea. The dude looks older than dirt. And he smells bad too. ''The Kewletts: *'Kewlett Residents': We are a peace-loving people whose generosity knows no bounds. That's why we're expanding into the provinces. The Princess wants everyone to be as happy as us. We tried - briefly - to do it the diplomatic way. But would they do as we told them? No. So the Princess got really pissed and we hauled out the heavy artillery. We've got cool uniforms. We've got way cool weapons. We are going to civilize these heathens if we have to kill every last one of them. KEWLETTS RULE! Our Regular Forces: * 'Kewlett Gunners: We are the proud first line of defense in the Kewlett Army. Armed with the latest, state-of-the-art, ''death-in-the-box ''technology, our catchy little ditty might be the last tune Raze ever hears. * '''Axe Guards: Content with sacrificing themselves for the advancement of our race, we charge the enemy in Kamikaze-like fashion with our yummy lollipop axes. We've been promised that if we survive multiple battles we get to spend some quality time with the Princess, but for some reason none of the surviving Axe Guards have been granted that chance... hmmmm.... well, she's a busy lady. She has important appointments and stuff.... * Special Ops: Once an alarm is activated, we drop from the sky with a loaded death-in-the-box. We are also equipped with night-vision capabilities so you can run but you can't hide! We're on you like white on rice, baby. * The Kewtenators: We are the fearless foot soldiers with almost impenetrable armor. Our base weapon is a repeat fire laser, so unless you can run faster than a Kewlett, balls to the wall, on his way to paint the town pink - your ass is grass. * The Elite Kewtenators: We sport many of the same fine qualities as the base Kewtenators, but we're better trained and harder to kill. Messing with us would be just about the dumbest thing you ever did. The Critter Gang: We are a bunch of well armed and well trained forces that are capable of quick movements and projectile weaponry. We are as cute as we are deadly - and we're really, really cute! * Bomber Bears: Okay, so we're not the SAS. Armed with a bucket of explosives and not-too-accurate throwing arms, we toss our grenades with reckless abandon. The fact that we kill as many of our own is awkward but hey, war is hell. * Suicide Bears: With enough explosives to ruin anyone's day, we target an enemy and detonate once we are close enough. To ignite, we must jump on a plunger that is connected to the explosives on our back. You'd think they would have made it a little easier for us to kill ourselves. * Gunner Critter: Walk softly and carry a big gun..... that's our motto. * Shotgun Critter: We got two barrels for you, dumbass. Which one would you like? * Sniper Critter: We're here, we're there, we're everywhere. Only you won't see us until it's too late. Our Special Forces: We're a special type of breed... hey! Not that kind of special! There's a lot of rumors about us within the army, it'd probably be... safer... for you and me to keep all speculations to ourselves, capiche?! * Paintball Critter: These paintballs have a serious sting to them! You better watch out Raze. Your ass is the canvas and I'm Michelangelo! * Gas Grenade Critter: Remember the sixties? If not, we'll bring it all back to you, in living color. Maim-a-delic! * Grenade Critter: I'm the Grenadier, but you can call me Peter Pan, cause I'm 'bout to fry your ass! * Peppy Puppies / Rocket Launcher Critter: It's hard not to feel butch carrying one of these babies.... Mmmmm, I love my job! (These creatures are referred to in-game as Peppy Puppies). * Tri Rocket Launcher Critter: "If I had a rocket launcher..." hmmmm...... I got three? Wicked! * Homing Rocket Critter: It's called a homing rocket and guess what? We know where you live!!!! Welcome home! * The Princess: The Princess is our commander-in-chief in our mission to bring the Kewlett philosophy to the hinterland. The Princess is all-knowing and all-seeing. She is the rock upon which we build our world. She is as cute as she is brilliant, and although has an occasional temper tantrum and mood swing that results in loss of life from anyone in the immediate vicinity, what hot, powerful chick doesn't right? THE PRINCESS ROCKS! 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